Mike Frisch and I have signed an amazing book deal with Sterling Press of Barnes & Noble to write a book about life lists, which is one of my passions. Here is an article from today’s USA Today Life section in which this is mentioned:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2008-01-14-bucket-list_N.htm
Also, Mike and I will be prominently mentioned in an article in the McClatchy newspaper chain that will come out on Sunday on the same topic.
Happy New Year!
Caroline Miller
Categories: Goals and Values · News
Promotion? Yeah, promotion! Why in the world would anyone promote the idea of relapse as a positive step? Hang with me a minute. Of course the notion of relapse prevention has arisen mostly from the addictions field. When someone has learned to abstain from substance abuse and then falls back into it, we call that a lapse, or if significant and long-lasting enough, a relapse. You can’t really have a lapse or relapse unless you can truly claim that you have already demonstrated a substantive change in your behavior in the chosen direction and have been able to sustain that change to the point that it feels “ego-syntonic” or “normal.” Only then can we describe reversions to old function as relapse. So to talk about relapse promotion is to acknowledge that most of us, in the striving toward positive psychology or qoltc living, haven’t yet really arrived. When we can truly say we’ve had a relapse will be a glorious day because it will imply that we’ve actually acquired enough new and stable behaviors in our life to say that we are living a more positive life or our quality of life has truly improved. So I guess I’m saying I look forward to my first QOLTC relapse!
Allow me to wonder a moment about how we get there—–how do we stay focused enough , vigilant enough, and practice these new skills enough to truly make them our own? That’s obviously not an easy task. What we are asking for is the ability to continuously monitor our thoughts and feelings, the capacity to confront and challenge and change negative cognitions, and to have at our disposal the tools with which to do all this. And, all the while, we have a tremendous proclivity to “lapse” into our old (probably mostly sub- or pre-conscious) ways of behaving- which for most of us is to keep our eyes peeled for threats. Obviously, our work is cut out for us. But is it do-able ? Of course. I was counseling an older couple once who asked if I really thought that they could change at their age. I hesitated a moment and then said-”you know, that’s my job description-teaching old dogs new tricks.”
So how do we get there?-to the point where we can be worthy of a relapse? We keep that vigilance, we monitor our thoughts and feelings, we practice over and over again those new skills and slowly we arrive. It’s kind of like thinking about going through your whole day without ever making a left turn-not just driving (like UPS is trying) but even walking. Think about that- how hard would that be? Better yet, try it. (Interestingly, as I was thinking about this, I realized that two rights don’t make a wrong, but three rights do make a left!) So keep striving to make your QOLTC journey right and you can’t go wrong!
All my best on your journey,
walt
Categories: Goals and Values
The QOLTC book defines Goals-and-Values as “beliefs about what matters most in life and how you should live, both now and in the future.” (p. 173).
I’ve always had trouble talking about my goals and values. They seem to be on the periphery of my vision, always there, but evading direct expression. During my software engineering career, I never could answer that horrible interview question, “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” in a way that felt real.
Perhaps my problem was that I had an idea of goals and values that was too rarefied, too conceptual. I do have strong ideas about how I want to live. Most involve finding the expert means between deficit and excess. I want to be a warm and supportive wife and mother without suffocating my family — neither writing the scripts for my husband and children nor washing my hands and neglecting them. I want to enjoy life’s pleasures but still live simply with as little waste as possible. Ah there’s a goal, every week to roll out to the curb the smallest amount of garbage of anybody on my street! I worked for a summer in college on a German farm. There I learned that water that washes vegetables can also water plants outside the door.
Some people find meaning in life from religion and spiritual traditions. But even people who don’t have religious beliefs can live lives of meaning. In the Goals and Values chapter in the QOLT book, I think this is my favorite stimulus for thought: “The need for secular meaning can spring from the existentialist assumption that since life has no inherent or absolute meaning, we must, therefore, invent one and dedicate ourselves to a meaning in order for our lives to cohere, make sense, or be coherent.”
This week there has been a New York Times story and a Talk of the Nation session on the subject of Life Lists. For those of us who have trouble looking directly at our goals and values, Life Lists can be a fun way to see them out of the corners of our eyes. I may enter something on my list like “Make a quilt.” It’s not the quilt itself that is important to me. It’s that I value dedicating time and patience and care to learning and performing handwork. The quilt is just a manifestation.
Categories: Goals and Values
Welcome, fellow members of the Quality of Life Therapy and Coaching Academy, to a place to share observations and questions.
Today we talked about activities that can increase satisfaction in the Helping area, i.e., helping others in need or helping to make your community a better place to live. One way to come up with ideas for Helping is to review one’s personal goals and values.
I particularly like the following snippets:
Helping and service to others is a major untapped source of joy, inner peace, and contentment. (p.264)
An effective helping routine tends to be small + simple + habitual
I have a good friend who was an eagle scout. He still has the boy scout service coin that his grandfather used and he uses it himself every day. He puts it in his left pocket first thing in the morning and shifts it to his right pocket when he has done a good deed for the day. He gave me one as a gift because he knew I admired it.
I have another friend who puts “Help someone” on his to-do list every morning.
The much maligned Pollyanna was an expert in this facet of life. The book, Pollyanna, might be a good text for people thinking about helping as a source of satisfaction.
The discussion ended with this quotation from Mother Theresa:
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
Categories: Goals and Values · Helping
